Welcome!
I probably don't need to tell you that ending a relationship is really, really hard, whether it's a legal divorce or another form of separation. Most aspects of the process have the potential to mess with your emotions, your self-confidence, your ability to trust, your friendships, your hopes and plans for the future - the list goes on.
I know, because I have been through my own divorce and have heard the stories of many other divorces and breakups. I also know from personal experience that the end of a significant relationship, no matter how painful initially, can be the beginning of a much richer, more fulfilling, and more satisfying life.
As a Denver-based counselor who helps people put their lives back on track after a divorce, separation, or breakup, I understand the importance of taking time for yourself during this significant phase of your life.
The Half-Hour Vacation is about creating at least 1/2 hour each day (ideally - but even five minutes is a good start) to tune in to your own needs and focus on the ways you can take care of yourself during and after your divorce or breakup. It's based on the assumption that you can't make meaningful changes in your life without having some breathing room, some time each day just for yourself. It's also based on the premise that in order to be the most effective parent, friend, employee or business owner, and potential partner in a new relationship, you must pay attention to your own emotional needs and craft a lifestyle that feels manageable and worthwhile.
Because I am a Denver-based counselor, this blog/web site has a somewhat Denver-centered approach, providing resources that my Denver Metro clients can take advantage of. If you're from out of the region, however, I hope you will still find the blog posts meaningful and helpful and will be able to adapt the local ideas to your own town.
If you live in the Denver area, I offer individual in-person counseling to help you navigate your emotional process and emerge from this major life transition in a position to thrive. As an experienced career counselor, I also help people going through divorce or other relationship transition to update or transform their work life and explore new career possibilities (even those that currently seem beyond your wildest dreams).
Enjoy my blog posts, below, and please click on the above links to see how you can make a half-hour vacation each day an important part of your divorce or end-of-relationship transition.
The Half-Hour Vacation Blog:
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The song “Every Day is like Sunday” (Morrissey, 1988) just came on the radio at the coffeehouse where I’m having lunch, and it transported me into a particular mood state I might call “gray.” Indeed, the song continues “Every day is silent and gray,” describing a forlorn beach resort town during the cold, gray off-season.
What’s this got to do with divorce or separation? This mood might sound familiar to you. It’s neither fiery nor comforting, certainly not cheerful, but not the deepest low you can experience. It’s…well, it’s rather gray, maybe like the day after Christmas or an eerily quiet November afternoon by the Chicago lakefront, as you carry a vague longing for summer’s sailboats and cyclists (we have significantly fewer of these gray weather days in Colorado!).
What to do with these “gray” moods? These moods can actually be good opportunities for introspection and self-reflection, especially since they tend to leave you with less energy than usual for dealing with other people. Your initial response might be to try to cheer yourself up, and that may be warranted…but you might actually be more satisfied by putting on some “gray mood” music (Morrissey does this for me, but we all have our own tastes), taking a slow walk in the park, or just sitting and observing the silence (and then maybe journaling about what you notice). It doesn’t feel good, but then it sometimes sort of does…see what comes up for you when you get in touch with your dull gray moods, rather than trying to change them into a cheery bright yellow.
*If your gray mood feels really down (so you don’t want to leave the house, get out of bed, etc.) day after day, please seek professional counseling. If you ever feel suicidal, call a friend and call 911. Nothing in this post is intended to substitute for psychotherapy.
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When going through a divorce or separation, time can feel like it’s passing ridiculously slowly. It can also feel like there is no end in sight to the nagging swirl of emotions that continue to come up.
In the midst of the divorce/separation process, it can be helpful to take a step out of your typical relationship with time and see time from a new perspective, if even for a few moments.
There are a number of ways to do this. One that came to my attention recently is allowing yourself to connect with the incredible “distances” of time that have already passed.
During a break in my week, I visited the Prehistoric Journey exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. I meandered through the entire timeline of our planet, from the beginning of the solar system until the present.
One diorama had a particularly strong impact. After rounding a corner, I found myself face-to-face with an enormous wild pig, growling at me under his breath in the Nebraska woodlands/grasslands of 20 million years ago. As if 20 million years did not seem like a lengthy enough time span to get my brain around, a sign in front of the pig informed me that “It has been 30 million years since this area was a tropical rain forest” (I paraphrase). Wow - that put the pig in perspective, making him seem downright contemporary.
Back to the subject of divorce/separation…to put your own time frame into perspective, see if you can spend a few moments contemplating the vastness of time. You don’t have to go to the museum, although it’s a great thing to do (and your kids, if you have them, will love it). You could look at the night sky and contemplate the idea of a light year (the North Star is about 430 light years away, meaning it has taken light that long to arrive from the star to your eyes). You could remember something that happened 20 years ago that “seems like yesterday,” or you could read about your ancestors or other people who lived long ago. All of these contemplations help us realize that time really does march on and things really do change, no matter how stuck we may feel in the difficulties of the present.
One of my mom’s favorite sayings when I would find myself stuck in some “tortured” situation as a kid was “This too shall pass*.” Although it was not always helpful when I was 13, she really did have a point. Time marches on, whether we like it or not, and the travails of our divorce or separation will shift as well and give way to something different.
*According to this Wikipedia article, “This too shall pass” has origins with a Hebrew folk tale about King Solomon and was favored by Abraham Lincoln. I can’t guarantee this is true…but who knew?
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