If you're seeking counseling to help you move on from your divorce or separation, please contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation. I'll ask you some questions about your current situation and what you're hoping for, and we'll see if we're a good "fit" to work together in person. Please click here to contact me, or call 720-339-4744, and I'll get back to you to set up a time.

Welcome!

I probably don't need to tell you that ending a relationship is really, really hard, whether it's a legal divorce or another form of separation. Most aspects of the process have the potential to mess with your emotions, your self-confidence, your ability to trust, your friendships, your hopes and plans for the future - the list goes on.

I know, because I have been through my own divorce and have heard the stories of many other divorces and breakups. I also know from personal experience that the end of a significant relationship, no matter how painful initially, can be the beginning of a much richer, more fulfilling, and more satisfying life.

As a Denver-based counselor who helps people put their lives back on track after a divorce, separation, or breakup, I understand the importance of taking time for yourself during this significant phase of your life.

The Half-Hour Vacation is about creating at least 1/2 hour each day (ideally - but even five minutes is a good start) to tune in to your own needs and focus on the ways you can take care of yourself during and after your divorce or breakup. It's based on the assumption that you can't make meaningful changes in your life without having some breathing room, some time each day just for yourself. It's also based on the premise that in order to be the most effective parent, friend, employee or business owner, and potential partner in a new relationship, you must pay attention to your own emotional needs and craft a lifestyle that feels manageable and worthwhile.

Because I am a Denver-based counselor, this blog/web site has a somewhat Denver-centered approach, providing resources that my Denver Metro clients can take advantage of. If you're from out of the region, however, I hope you will still find the blog posts meaningful and helpful and will be able to adapt the local ideas to your own town.

If you live in the Denver area, I offer individual in-person counseling to help you navigate your emotional process and emerge from this major life transition in a position to thrive. As an experienced career counselor, I also help people going through divorce or other relationship transition to update or transform their work life and explore new career possibilities (even those that currently seem beyond your wildest dreams).

Enjoy my blog posts, below, and please click on the above links to see how you can make a half-hour vacation each day an important part of your divorce or end-of-relationship transition.

~ Betsy ~


The Half-Hour Vacation Blog:

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When going through a divorce or separation, time can feel like it’s passing ridiculously slowly. It can also feel like there is no end in sight to the nagging swirl of emotions that continue to come up.

In the midst of the divorce/separation process, it can be helpful to take a step out of your typical relationship with time and see time from a new perspective, if even for a few moments.

There are a number of ways to do this. One that came to my attention recently is allowing yourself to connect with the incredible “distances” of time that have already passed.

During a break in my week, I visited the Prehistoric Journey exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. I meandered through the entire timeline of our planet, from the beginning of the solar system until the present.

One diorama had a particularly strong impact. After rounding a corner, I found myself face-to-face with an enormous wild pig, growling at me under his breath in the Nebraska woodlands/grasslands of 20 million years ago. As if 20 million years did not seem like a lengthy enough time span to get my brain around, a sign in front of the pig informed me that “It has been 30 million years since this area was a tropical rain forest” (I paraphrase). Wow - that put the pig in perspective, making him seem downright contemporary.

Back to the subject of divorce/separation…to put your own time frame into perspective, see if you can spend a few moments contemplating the vastness of time. You don’t have to go to the museum, although it’s a great thing to do (and your kids, if you have them, will love it). You could look at the night sky and contemplate the idea of a light year (the North Star is about 430 light years away, meaning it has taken light that long to arrive from the star to your eyes). You could remember something that happened 20 years ago that “seems like yesterday,” or you could read about your ancestors or other people who lived long ago. All of these contemplations help us realize that time really does march on and things really do change, no matter how stuck we may feel in the difficulties of the present.

One of my mom’s favorite sayings when I would find myself stuck in some “tortured” situation as a kid was “This too shall pass*.” Although it was not always helpful when I was 13, she really did have a point. Time marches on, whether we like it or not, and the travails of our divorce or separation will shift as well and give way to something different.

*According to this Wikipedia article, “This too shall pass” has origins with a Hebrew folk tale about King Solomon and was favored by Abraham Lincoln. I can’t guarantee this is true…but who knew?

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Have a cup of tea…

by Betsy Hedberg on January 27, 2010

“How in the world could having a cup of tea help me with my divorce or breakup woes? How could tea possibly help my post-divorce stress, help me deal better with my ex or kids, help me get my life together? I mean, really!”

OK, so a cup of tea is definitely not going to solve all your problems. It’s probably not going to make you stronger, sexier, a perfect parent, happier, or magically without worries.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, consider having some tea. Consider really enjoying the tea, and the whole process of making it, sipping it, and sitting over the cup as it wafts up to your face. Consider “taking tea” in this way alone and also with a treasured friend.

The tea’s not exactly the point - it’s the mindful approach you take to it that can really help you center, calm down, enjoy your relationship with a cherished friend, and get out of your hurried, worrying routine. By placing attention on something that stimulates your senses (like an aromatic cup of hot tea), you bring yourself into the present moment and temporarily out of the whirlwind of thoughts and emotional reactions that are so prevalent in daily life. The result can be very grounding and calming (but no guarantees - see below!). Over time, this type of practice can have a profound impact on your stress level and your perspective.

You do not need much time - maybe 15 minutes if you’re making tea alone at home and one hour if you’re with a friend (although you may find you want to linger!). Have your tea at home, at a friend’s house, or at a relaxing tea house. In Denver, I highly recommend Seven Cups (traditional Chinese tea house - very quiet and restful) or Wash Perk (comfy neighborhood coffee house).

Here are some “instructions” for taking a mindful approach to tea:

If you have a little extra time:

Bring your full attention to each step of preparing, drinking, and savoring your tea. Notice how your body feels and moves as you make the tea. If your mind feels distracted, notice that, too, and then bring your attention back to preparing the tea however you want to do so. Then, sit down and notice the warm cup in your hands, the way the steam feels as it wafts out of the cup, the tea’s aroma, and how your body feels as you contemplate drinking it. Once you put the cup to your lips, see if you can drink slowly, paying close attention to the process without multitasking or thinking about other things. When your mind does wander (which it inevitably will), don’t get mad at yourself for “blowing” it - just gently bring your mind back to your tea. Ideally, you might spend 10 minutes or more with your cup of tea.

If you have only three minutes:

Make a cup of tea and then spend three minutes giving it your full attention before you take your tea with you to do other activities. Or, purchase a cup of tea at a coffee shop, and spend a few minutes focusing on the tea that has been prepared for you.

Important note: If you do not find yourself feeling completely relaxed and content with your cup of tea, don’t worry. The goal is not to make yourself feel as blissful as possible. The “goal” is simply to spend a few minutes devoting your full attention to something simple and small - in this case, a warm cup of tea. You will sometimes feel truly at peace with this exercise, and sometimes not - that’s how it works. But it’s a small way in which you can train your attention toward the present moment and away from your worrying mind.

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Angry lately?

January 14, 2010

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How often do you feel angry? If you’re like many people recovering from a divorce or break-up, you probably sometimes feel really, really angry, so that the anger seems to cloud everything else. Even if you’re in divorce counseling or end-of-relationship counseling, you will still experience anger in [...]

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New divorce/end-of-relationship recovery Meetup in central Denver!

January 7, 2010

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For the new year, I’ve started a Meetup group to help inspire and motivate women who are hoping to move on from the end of a significant relationship. You can see all the details here: http://www.meetup.com/womens-divorce-separation.
Here’s what I’ve posted on the Meetup site:
“I’m starting this group to [...]

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Seeking daily comforts

January 4, 2010

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Happy New Year!
As I discussed in last week’s post, it can be very helpful to explore your sense of adventure and step out of your comfort zone when you’re trying to recover from a divorce or breakup. It’s also important, however, to honor your comfort zone. What makes [...]

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“Adventure steps” for the new year

December 29, 2009

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My divorce commenced during the holiday season of 1997. My husband returned home from work the Monday after Thanksgiving and said in a very matter-of-fact way, “I think we should get a divorce.” I was completely taken aback, stunned by this abrupt holiday surprise. By New Year’s, [...]

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Changes for the New Year…

December 29, 2009

Happy New Year (almost)!
I hope you have been able to take some time for yourself in this busy season!
I really appreciate my readers, and I hope you find the periodic posts helpful in your quest for a more relaxed, centered lifestyle. I aim to share the “half-hour vacation” message with everyone, yet I have been [...]

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A snow day (or two)!

October 29, 2009

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It’s not even Halloween, but we’ve been socked in by snow for the past two days here in Denver. It’s not that it’s impossible to go outside, but it is a wonderful opportunity to hunker down inside. The class I teach on Wednesdays was canceled yesterday, so I [...]

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It’s Take Back Your Time Day!

October 23, 2009

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Saturday, October 24 is Take Back Your Time Day. What’s that, you say? An opportunity to reflect on your own time crunch and the general “time famine” that pervades our culture, and a chance to do something about it. This year’s theme is Chill Out! because, as the [...]

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Community connections count!

October 15, 2009

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One important part of making our time more meaningful and fulfilling involves reclaiming a sense of community. In counseling people who are trying to move on from their divorce or breakup, I notice that many people feel they’ve lost touch with this important connection, as well as with [...]

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