Receive these blog postings by e-mail
My divorce commenced during the holiday season of 1997. My husband returned home from work the Monday after Thanksgiving and said in a very matter-of-fact way, “I think we should get a divorce.” I was completely taken aback, stunned by this abrupt holiday surprise. By New Year’s, we were shopping for attorneys, although he still lived in the house. I entered 1998 having no idea what the year would possibly hold for me and not even knowing how to plan for the next week, let alone make resolutions for the entire year.
If you’re going through a divorce or separation, you might find yourself living day-to-day and week-to-week in a way you’ve never had to do before. It’s not that different if your divorce or separation is “final” but you’re still having difficulty moving ahead with your life – you might often feel stuck in a day-to-day existence without a strong sense of longer-range plans. In this context, new year’s resolutions can feel irrelevant, except for making general resolutions to “improve your life” or “get it together this year.”
Rather than making traditional new year’s resolutions, what about making some very specific, concrete plans that you can follow through with in the near-term and that don’t require you to make a mental commitment for the entire year? I recommend thinking of three to five activities that can get you out of your routine, out of the box, temporarily. What has the potential to expand your life, even just a little? What can you do to push yourself past your perceived limitations – perhaps something your ex would never have gotten into, something that asserts your independence in a new way?
This is a helpful thing to do even if you’re not in a divorce/separation/breakup recovery situation, but it’s particularly helpful for people who feel stuck in a rut. I like to make such a list periodically to ensure I don’t find myself in a rut. My current list includes visiting the Butterfly Pavilion and letting Rosie the tarantula (and maybe a scorpion) walk across my hands; cooking an Indian meal after shopping for ingredients at a Southeast Denver shop I’ve heard about; and seeing some new artists perform at Swallow Hill folk music center.
Whatever your level of adventure, see if you can think of three to five adventuresome (for you) activities you can do within the next two or three months. They may be with your kids, with a friend, or alone…use your imagination, and make them fun (you can also make a “to do” list of household tasks, but that’s a different list). And commit! Once you’ve made your list, post it where you’ll see it each day, and get out your calendar to make concrete plans.
Facing the chaos and emotional challenges of divorce, separation, or other end-of-relationship experiences requires that you pay attention to your own needs. In part, this involves establishing a routine and retaining some of the basic comforts that you most appreciate. But if you’re ready to begin moving out of the divorcing/breaking up phase and into the new phase of living that awaits you, expanding your horizons bit-by-bit can be very inspiring and motivating. See if you can start with a few of your own “adventure steps!”
