Divorce recovery counseling in Denver

“Every Day is like Sunday”…during divorce or separation

Betsy Hedberg — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 18:56:33 +0000

The song “Every Day is like Sunday” (Morrissey, 1988) just came on the radio at the coffeehouse where I’m having lunch, and it transported me into a particular mood state I might call “gray.” Indeed, the song continues “Every day is silent and gray,” describing a forlorn beach resort town during the cold, gray off-season.

What’s this got to do with divorce or separation? This mood might sound familiar to you. It’s neither fiery nor comforting, certainly not cheerful, but not the deepest low you can experience. It’s…well, it’s rather gray, maybe like the day after Christmas or an eerily quiet November afternoon by the Chicago lakefront, as you carry a vague longing for summer’s sailboats and cyclists (we have significantly fewer of these gray weather days in Colorado!).

What to do with these “gray” moods? These moods can actually be good opportunities for introspection and self-reflection, especially since they tend to leave you with less energy than usual for dealing with other people. Your initial response might be to try to cheer yourself up, and that may be warranted…but you might actually be more satisfied by putting on some “gray mood” music (Morrissey does this for me, but we all have our own tastes), taking a slow walk in the park, or just sitting and observing the silence (and then maybe journaling about what you notice). It doesn’t feel good, but then it sometimes sort of does…see what comes up for you when you get in touch with your dull gray moods, rather than trying to change them into a cheery bright yellow.

*If your gray mood feels really down (so you don’t want to leave the house, get out of bed, etc.) day after day, please seek professional counseling. If you ever feel suicidal, call a friend and call 911. Nothing in this post is intended to substitute for psychotherapy.

Time’s a funny thing during divorce or separation

Betsy Hedberg — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:47:10 +0000

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When going through a divorce or separation, time can feel like it’s passing ridiculously slowly. It can also feel like there is no end in sight to the nagging swirl of emotions that continue to come up.

In the midst of the divorce/separation process, it can be helpful to take a step out of your typical relationship with time and see time from a new perspective, if even for a few moments.

There are a number of ways to do this. One that came to my attention recently is allowing yourself to connect with the incredible “distances” of time that have already passed.

During a break in my week, I visited the Prehistoric Journey exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. I meandered through the entire timeline of our planet, from the beginning of the solar system until the present.

One diorama had a particularly strong impact. After rounding a corner, I found myself face-to-face with an enormous wild pig, growling at me under his breath in the Nebraska woodlands/grasslands of 20 million years ago. As if 20 million years did not seem like a lengthy enough time span to get my brain around, a sign in front of the pig informed me that “It has been 30 million years since this area was a tropical rain forest” (I paraphrase). Wow - that put the pig in perspective, making him seem downright contemporary.

Back to the subject of divorce/separation…to put your own time frame into perspective, see if you can spend a few moments contemplating the vastness of time. You don’t have to go to the museum, although it’s a great thing to do (and your kids, if you have them, will love it). You could look at the night sky and contemplate the idea of a light year (the North Star is about 430 light years away, meaning it has taken light that long to arrive from the star to your eyes). You could remember something that happened 20 years ago that “seems like yesterday,” or you could read about your ancestors or other people who lived long ago. All of these contemplations help us realize that time really does march on and things really do change, no matter how stuck we may feel in the difficulties of the present.

One of my mom’s favorite sayings when I would find myself stuck in some “tortured” situation as a kid was “This too shall pass*.” Although it was not always helpful when I was 13, she really did have a point. Time marches on, whether we like it or not, and the travails of our divorce or separation will shift as well and give way to something different.

*According to this Wikipedia article, “This too shall pass” has origins with a Hebrew folk tale about King Solomon and was favored by Abraham Lincoln. I can’t guarantee this is true…but who knew?

Have a cup of tea…

Betsy Hedberg — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:16:27 +0000

“How in the world could having a cup of tea help me with my divorce or breakup woes? How could tea possibly help my post-divorce stress, help me deal better with my ex or kids, help me get my life together? I mean, really!”

OK, so a cup of tea is definitely not going to solve all your problems. It’s probably not going to make you stronger, sexier, a perfect parent, happier, or magically without worries.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, consider having some tea. Consider really enjoying the tea, and the whole process of making it, sipping it, and sitting over the cup as it wafts up to your face. Consider “taking tea” in this way alone and also with a treasured friend.

The tea’s not exactly the point - it’s the mindful approach you take to it that can really help you center, calm down, enjoy your relationship with a cherished friend, and get out of your hurried, worrying routine. By placing attention on something that stimulates your senses (like an aromatic cup of hot tea), you bring yourself into the present moment and temporarily out of the whirlwind of thoughts and emotional reactions that are so prevalent in daily life. The result can be very grounding and calming (but no guarantees - see below!). Over time, this type of practice can have a profound impact on your stress level and your perspective.

You do not need much time - maybe 15 minutes if you’re making tea alone at home and one hour if you’re with a friend (although you may find you want to linger!). Have your tea at home, at a friend’s house, or at a relaxing tea house. In Denver, I highly recommend Seven Cups (traditional Chinese tea house - very quiet and restful) or Wash Perk (comfy neighborhood coffee house).

Here are some “instructions” for taking a mindful approach to tea:

If you have a little extra time:

Bring your full attention to each step of preparing, drinking, and savoring your tea. Notice how your body feels and moves as you make the tea. If your mind feels distracted, notice that, too, and then bring your attention back to preparing the tea however you want to do so. Then, sit down and notice the warm cup in your hands, the way the steam feels as it wafts out of the cup, the tea’s aroma, and how your body feels as you contemplate drinking it. Once you put the cup to your lips, see if you can drink slowly, paying close attention to the process without multitasking or thinking about other things. When your mind does wander (which it inevitably will), don’t get mad at yourself for “blowing” it - just gently bring your mind back to your tea. Ideally, you might spend 10 minutes or more with your cup of tea.

If you have only three minutes:

Make a cup of tea and then spend three minutes giving it your full attention before you take your tea with you to do other activities. Or, purchase a cup of tea at a coffee shop, and spend a few minutes focusing on the tea that has been prepared for you.

Important note: If you do not find yourself feeling completely relaxed and content with your cup of tea, don’t worry. The goal is not to make yourself feel as blissful as possible. The “goal” is simply to spend a few minutes devoting your full attention to something simple and small - in this case, a warm cup of tea. You will sometimes feel truly at peace with this exercise, and sometimes not - that’s how it works. But it’s a small way in which you can train your attention toward the present moment and away from your worrying mind.

Angry lately?

Betsy Hedberg — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 23:27:06 +0000

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How often do you feel angry? If you’re like many people recovering from a divorce or break-up, you probably sometimes feel really, really angry, so that the anger seems to cloud everything else. Even if you’re in divorce counseling or end-of-relationship counseling, you will still experience anger in your daily life - it’s natural and understandable.

I remember how my level of anger ebbed and flowed during my divorce, especially when I had to interact with or even think about my ex or as I reflected on the choices I’d made that led me to be in this position in the first place (that latter anger was self-directed). It was sometimes minute-to-minute; one minute, I’d be happily getting ready for an outing with a friend, and the next I’d be seething that I’d “wasted years of my life with the wrong guy” or that I had to take time photocopying my credit card receipts the next day in preparation for a legal meeting.

I suspect your anger fluctuates like this, too. But for many people (maybe you), weeks can pass when anger is the predominant emotion, day after day. It is not helpful that, in our culture, girls and women are often “trained” not to express anger, while anger sometimes seems to be the only emotion boys and men are allowed to express. In general, we are not particularly skilled at effectively coping with anger.

The idea that it’s best to just “let your anger out” is actually not supported by psychological research, which suggests that this type of expressive venting can actually increase feelings of anger and aggression. But denying or suppressing your anger isn’t healthy either. So, what to do?

Here’s a brief mindfulness exercise to try the next time you’re feeling mildly or moderately angry or annoyed. If you practice it with minor annoyances over time, you might find it helpful even in times of more severe anger. It can help you pause before you speak or act on your anger, make you feel more relaxed, allow you to put things in perspective, and might actually make the anger wane (but the tricky thing is not to try to make the anger go away - just observe it):

Take five slow, deep breaths.
Check in with how your body feels, scanning it from your toes to your head and noticing any areas of tightness, tension, or lack of tension. Just notice how you feel in your body, without trying to change anything.
Draw your attention even closer to the feeling of anger as it manifests in your body. Does it have a particular quality, such as a texture, temperature, or sense of contraction? Does it fluctuate, or is it constant?
Spend at least five minutes continuing to check in with your body, noticing how the sensations of anger change during this time. See if you can really get to know your anger in this moment, not trying to get rid of it or change it, but seeing what arises.

Over time, you can train yourself to recognize signs of anger in your body, observe them, and see how they come and go. You might name the anger - “Ah, there’s that sensation of anger in my stomach again,” for example. The anger very often shifts, either fading away or transitioning to another emotion, such as fear or sadness, which can in turn lead to a deeper level of self-exploration* (more on these emotions in a future post).

You can even turn this exploration of emotions in your body into a “half-hour vacation,” spending 1/2 hour a day connecting with your internal experience of whatever emotions arise (it would be helpful to take a mediation or yoga class to learn more strategies for how to do this). This is not recommended if you’re experiencing depression.*

For more about anger and what to do about it, see this article from the American Psychological Association.

*If your anger is accompanied by extreme sadness or depression, please seek professional counseling. If you ever feel suicidal, call a friend and call 911. Nothing in this post is intended to substitute for psychotherapy.

New divorce/end-of-relationship recovery Meetup in central Denver!

Betsy Hedberg — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 21:37:08 +0000

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For the new year, I’ve started a Meetup group to help inspire and motivate women who are hoping to move on from the end of a significant relationship. You can see all the details here: http://www.meetup.com/womens-divorce-separation.

Here’s what I’ve posted on the Meetup site:

“I’m starting this group to be an inspiring source of support and to help you focus on how you can take care of yourself during this challenging transition. I’m basing the group on the premise that you deserve good things for yourself at this point in your life. I also believe it’s essential to take care of yourself in order to take care of the other people in your life and in order to be in a good position to date and develop future relationships.

Meetings will include activities to help you connect with your true interests and values, discover new pursuits that spark your curiosity, reduce stress, feel empowered financially and emotionally, and plan the life you want to live going forward.

The group is open to any woman who has experienced the loss of a significant relationship and is interested in beginning or continuing the process of moving on and looking ahead. You do not have to have been in a legal marriage. I welcome you to the group whether or not you have children, but please know that the group’s focus is on you, not on your kids - we will not be focusing on custody issues or parenting.”

Hope to see you there if you’re a woman who thinks this would be valuable!

Seeking daily comforts

Betsy Hedberg — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 02:39:36 +0000

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Happy New Year!

As I discussed in last week’s post, it can be very helpful to explore your sense of adventure and step out of your comfort zone when you’re trying to recover from a divorce or breakup. It’s also important, however, to honor your comfort zone. What makes you feel at home? What elements of your routine do you most value?

After a divorce or breakup, routine changes dramatically. Many of the daily patterns you shared with your ex shift, and you may find yourself busy with activities that were not part of your life in your relationship. If you’ve moved out of the house you shared with your partner, you’ve likely undergone a dramatic change in scenery and home décor. If you stayed in the house, the home has undoubtedly taken on a different appearance and feel from before the end of the relationship.

As you enter this new year, spend some time contemplating the elements of your daily routine and home décor that really make you comfortable and content. Take a few moments today (a half-hour vacation, perhaps) to list comforts from your life now and from previous periods of your life when you felt particularly content, whether in your childhood, single adulthood, or relationship. You might include things like morning rituals (drinking coffee from a special mug, reading a certain section of the newspaper), cherished pictures on the wall, a favorite color scheme in your home, reading before bed, or preparing favorite meals.

Reflect on your list, asking yourself these questions:

Which of the things on my list are more about the “comfort zone” I shared with my partner than about my own personal
preferences? (place an R, for relationship, next to these things)
Are any of the things on my list keeping me in a rut or depression, rather than helping me move on with my life? (cross these things off the list)
Which of the things on my list most truly resonate with me, making me feel secure and empowered? (circle these comforts)

Now, make a plan to ensure that you incorporate the comforts you’ve circled into your home or daily life. Focus on particular ways you can give them your own special touch. It might be especially fun and inspiring to implement the ones that your ex did not like or did not appreciate about you.

(You can also implement some of the comforts you’ve labeled with an R, as long as you can remain honest with yourself about whether these practices and decorations will help you move forward or will serve to keep you stuck in the past. Can you make them your own?)

“Adventure steps” for the new year

Betsy Hedberg — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:40:57 +0000

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My divorce commenced during the holiday season of 1997. My husband returned home from work the Monday after Thanksgiving and said in a very matter-of-fact way, “I think we should get a divorce.” I was completely taken aback, stunned by this abrupt holiday surprise. By New Year’s, we were shopping for attorneys, although he still lived in the house. I entered 1998 having no idea what the year would possibly hold for me and not even knowing how to plan for the next week, let alone make resolutions for the entire year.

If you’re going through a divorce or separation, you might find yourself living day-to-day and week-to-week in a way you’ve never had to do before. It’s not that different if your divorce or separation is “final” but you’re still having difficulty moving ahead with your life – you might often feel stuck in a day-to-day existence without a strong sense of longer-range plans. In this context, new year’s resolutions can feel irrelevant, except for making general resolutions to “improve your life” or “get it together this year.”

Rather than making traditional new year’s resolutions, what about making some very specific, concrete plans that you can follow through with in the near-term and that don’t require you to make a mental commitment for the entire year? I recommend thinking of three to five activities that can get you out of your routine, out of the box, temporarily. What has the potential to expand your life, even just a little? What can you do to push yourself past your perceived limitations – perhaps something your ex would never have gotten into, something that asserts your independence in a new way?

This is a helpful thing to do even if you’re not in a divorce/separation/breakup recovery situation, but it’s particularly helpful for people who feel stuck in a rut. I like to make such a list periodically to ensure I don’t find myself in a rut. My current list includes visiting the Butterfly Pavilion and letting Rosie the tarantula (and maybe a scorpion) walk across my hands; cooking an Indian meal after shopping for ingredients at a Southeast Denver shop I’ve heard about; and seeing some new artists perform at Swallow Hill folk music center.

Whatever your level of adventure, see if you can think of three to five adventuresome (for you) activities you can do within the next two or three months. They may be with your kids, with a friend, or alone…use your imagination, and make them fun (you can also make a “to do” list of household tasks, but that’s a different list). And commit! Once you’ve made your list, post it where you’ll see it each day, and get out your calendar to make concrete plans.

Facing the chaos and emotional challenges of divorce, separation, or other end-of-relationship experiences requires that you pay attention to your own needs. In part, this involves establishing a routine and retaining some of the basic comforts that you most appreciate. But if you’re ready to begin moving out of the divorcing/breaking up phase and into the new phase of living that awaits you, expanding your horizons bit-by-bit can be very inspiring and motivating. See if you can start with a few of your own “adventure steps!”

Changes for the New Year…

Betsy Hedberg — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:16:17 +0000

Happy New Year (almost)!

I hope you have been able to take some time for yourself in this busy season!

I really appreciate my readers, and I hope you find the periodic posts helpful in your quest for a more relaxed, centered lifestyle. I aim to share the “half-hour vacation” message with everyone, yet I have been exploring the merits of narrowing my audience focus. After some careful consideration, I’m writing today to announce some changes to this blog for the new year…

A little over a decade ago, I became the sort of statistic I’d never imagined myself – a divorced woman. During recent years, as I have counseled women (and men) going through major life transitions, I have worked with people who are experiencing situations and emotions similar to those I experienced after my ex-husband returned from work one night and said in his normal monotone, matter-of-fact way, “I think we should get a divorce.” I have decided to begin dedicating this blog and web site to people who are trying to make sense of their lives and move forward after hearing similar words or after making a decision to initiate a divorce or separation.

The blog will apply generally to people recovering their lives after the end of a serious relationship, regardless of sexual orientation or whether they were actually legally married. Some of the posts will be tailored to a Denver audience, but they can all be modified for one’s own locale.

If you are fortunate enough not to be going through this type of experience, you may still enjoy and benefit from my blog posts, as they can be applied generally to anyone in a life transition or anyone who simply wants to life a more intentional, meaningful life.

Happy New Year, wherever you are in your life, and thanks for your understanding as I continue to modify my message in this blog.

Betsy

A snow day (or two)!

Betsy Hedberg — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:45:03 +0000

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It’s not even Halloween, but we’ve been socked in by snow for the past two days here in Denver. It’s not that it’s impossible to go outside, but it is a wonderful opportunity to hunker down inside. The class I teach on Wednesdays was canceled yesterday, so I got to spend all day indoors.

Snow days allow us to get caught up on reading, housework, or regular work, but they also present a wonderful opportunity catch up on some of the internal contemplation we may need to do. A counseling client of mine is undoubtedly very happy to have two days off the job she despises, for example, to continue a deeper contemplation of what her next move will be.

Another thing I notice on snow days is that time takes on a whole new dimension. This is also true on vacations, meditation retreats, and other experiences that get us out of the routine, but it is of particular interest when it occurs at home. I find that even when I keep busy with e-mails, writing, reading, preparing lunch, and other routine activities of the day, there are many fewer “landmarks” within the day to mark the passage of time and cue me about what I should do next. With nowhere that I need to go at any particular time, each chapter of the day seems to melt into the next, until I realize it’s 11 p.m. I find this very refreshing.*

I wonder if we all need days like this at home from time to time. Wintry weather can certainly help, but is it necessary? What are your experiences with “snow days”?

*A close cousin of the snow day is the sick day, although, of course, then we are dealing with not feeling good. Still, if we stay home from work with a bad cold (so we don’t feel great, but we’re not confined to bed), it can be a very interesting opportunity to let the rhythm of the day unfold right from the comfort of our own home, not to mention catching up on some rest.

It’s Take Back Your Time Day!

Betsy Hedberg — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:14:23 +0000

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Saturday, October 24 is Take Back Your Time Day. What’s that, you say? An opportunity to reflect on your own time crunch and the general “time famine” that pervades our culture, and a chance to do something about it. This year’s theme is Chill Out! because, as the Take Back Your Time web site says, “We believe Americans (and Canadians) need to chill out by reducing working hours and unnecessary consumption, thereby at the same time helping to cool the climate of the planet.”

As this blog is in large part about making time for yourself, I invite you to think about how you might devote some quality time for yourself this weekend and on an ongoing basis.

What is one thing you have been meaning to do for yourself but that you’ve been putting off, maybe because it feels “selfish,” “unproductive,” or that you don’t yet deserve it? Can you examine these areas of resistance to being kind to yourself, label them as “just thoughts,” and give them less weight in your life? Are you really selfish if you take a 30-minute walk each day, for example, or is that just a part of the story you tell yourself?

Have you considered that making more space for some of your true interests and longings might free up energy to devote to those other things you need, or want, to do? Taking personal breaks can help us re-energize and feel more centered during our errands, caregiving, and other “must-do” activities. Similarly, if you care about helping the planet (or other people, animals, etc.), consider helping yourself to some breathing room first…if you’re continuously rushing around, you’ll have no energy (or time) for making planet-friendly changes in your lifestyle or community.

Here are some very simple, yet very meaningful, Take Back Your Time Day ideas:

If you enjoy cooking at all, prepare and eat a meal at home with your kids, a friend, or by yourself. (And please don’t skimp if you’re alone…you deserve a wonderful home-cooked meal regardless of your relationship status.)
Take a long bath.
Take a walk.
Do a household chore slowly, allowing yourself to appreciate and feel gratitude for the opportunity to have a home to clean (or wash your car by hand, enjoying the fresh air, or do some gardening if you have a patio or backyard garden).
Enjoy a lingering conversation with an old (or new) friend.
Pick up, and take time to read, a book that’s been calling to you for a while.
Sit down in a cozy place, and make a list of the things you’d like to do that would truly feed your soul. Then make a plan for how you’ll do at least some of them in the next month or two.